BAKA cupid
by Lidiya
Summary: This is Naruto, the twelve-year-old, colorblind, hyperactive ninja. This is the forbidden scroll in which cupid’s bow and arrows were sealed into. This is Naruto stumbling upon such a scroll and discovering its secrets. SasuSaku oneshot


_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did… there'll be much more SasuSaku moments. xD_

A/N: CRACK FIC… and somewhat cheesy. Under NO circumstances should anyone take this fic seriously. I wrote it on a whim since it was Valentine's day. What better holiday cheer than some SasuSaku hotness? 83

For some _unexplained_ reason, I had the song "Stupid Cupid" stuck in my head when I wrote this, thus where the name came from. I was quite lucky because I managed to find an AMV on youtube that (surprisingly) relates quite well with this fic. You can find that on my profile page.

In case you're wondering, the story takes place a few months after Naruto dragged Sasuke's sorry ass back to Konoha from the Valley of the End.

_**Happy Belated Valentine's Day Everyone!**_

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This is Naruto, the twelve-year-old, colorblind, hyperactive ninja. This is the forbidden scroll in which cupid's bow and arrows sealed were into. This is Naruto stumbling upon such a scroll and discovering its secrets.

This… is true hell on earth.

* * *

'…_thus, this bow will disappear when the arrows are used up. These arrows are made from high-class, frozen pheromone that will disperse as soon as they hit their target and enter his/her bloodstream.'_

Naruto cackled evilly to himself as he took out the bow and arrows he discovered while cleaning the attic of some old woman that passed away recently. Now, that was one D rank mission that did not totally suck. Naruto was slightly glad that he did not pass the Chuunin exam, or else he might never have came upon such treasures. It took him a couple days to figure out how to break the seal on the scroll but it was worth it.

'_With them… I'LL CONQUER THE WORLD!!! Or at least, get Sakura-chan to go on a date with me!!!'_

The best plan would have been to find Sakura right away, but being the prankster that he was, Naruto couldn't help but do some -cough- "test runs" first.

Jumping from one rooftop to another, the Juuriken spotted his first target and smirked evilly. What better ways to greet an old friend than to pull a supernatural prank on him? Releasing his first arrow, Naruto shouted silently in his head, _**'Go Cupid Arrow no Jutsu!'**_

_Pierce_.

Gaara just arrived at the Leaf village with his siblings for another visit to secure the once broken bond between Wind and Fire. He had no idea that he was in for a little bonding of his own. As soon as he felt the small prick of pain on his shoulder Gaara's vision started to blur. Rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger Gaara opened them again just in time to see Akamaru running pass him, followed by Kiba. Gaara could care less about the dog boy. All that mattered to him now was the beautiful white puppy. _'Is this what they call __**LOVE**__?!'_

Shooting out his sand, Gaara seized poor Akamaru around the waist and lifted him into his lap. This notion caused Kiba to cry outrageously from behind them, thinking that Gaara was out to kill his dog.

"We met before haven't we?" Gaara asked in a soothing voice. Akamaru was shaking madly in fear and for good reasons too. "I never noticed how soft your fur is. I never noticed how remarkable your eyes are… nor how elegant your tail is either. How could I have been so _blind_? But don't worry, I'll never be separated from you again."

"Hey Buddy, give me back my dog!" Kiba shouted angrily.

"NEVER!!" Gaara snarled back, "I won't have you taking away my only purpose in life!!!" And with that, the One-tail container ran off with Akamaru wrapped tightly against his chest. Giving a desperate yell, Kiba started to chase after him. This left the other two sand siblings behind to wonder just what the hell happened.

Naruto's eyes wide. Not only was the arrow's magic powers able to nullify Gaara's sand defence, it also made its presence undetectable to the most skilful of ninjas. Not to mention it could make its victims fall in love with _anyone_, despite gender (Akamaru is a male) or form (Akamaru is a dog).

The normal Naruto would have been _slightly_ disturbed by the event that took place, but this Naruto was under the influence of the magic bow and arrows. Any small amount of his existing rationality went completely down the drain.

'_Let the fun begin!'_

_Pierce. Pierce._

Temari and Kankuro stared at each other with dazzled looks in their eyes before rushing into each other's arms in slow motion.

"This is incest…" Kankuro said.

"…We will never be accepted," Temari replied, snuggling her face into her brother/lover's shoulder.

"But no matter what people say…"

"…No matter what they do."

"We will always have each other…" Kankuro gazed down at his blonde haired angel.

"…we will not be separated because…" Temari stared lovingly into her brother/lover's eyes.

"THIS IS _**LOVE**_!!!!!!" They both cried at the same time before collapsing into each other's embrace again.

"This is so fun!!!!!" Naruto yelled from the background.

In no time at all it was raining magic arrows.

* * *

Outside the Hokage's building, Kakashi was talking to Shizune about Sakura's training progresses.

'_Time to get you back for not training me during the Chuuni Exam, pervy-sensei!'_

_Pierce_.

Kakashi's only revealing eye widened. Shaking his head he opened them again.

"Are you alright Kakashi-san?" Shizune asked, slightly concerned.

A perverted blush ran across Kakashi's masked face. "If I say no… will you nurse me better?"

Shizune's eyes became two large "O"s.

Kakshi continued, "You're like cholesterol because you make my heart beat faster."

Shizune almost gagged on the bad pick-up line before stuttering, "What are you t-t-talking about, Kakashi-san? Eh… when did y-you stand so close to me?! Who are you and why are you touching my butt?!?!"

Twisting his arms around Shizune escaped by running like hell in the other direction. The large stack of paper she was holding spilled behind her.

"Where are you going my _**LOVE**_?!?!?!"

Evil Naruto was laughing his ass off as he watched his sensei casing after the poor medic.

* * *

Shikamaru, Choji and Ino came out of the BBQ shop. It appeared that their sensei have some, er, _business_ to attend to with Kurenai.

_Pierce_.

Choji dropped his BBQ stick. Shikamaru and Ino's eyes widened. Choji _never_ droped food.

Rubbing his eyes with both fat fists, Choji opened them and saw the most beautiful creature with perfect hair.

"Shikamaru…" he said in a dry voice, "I must have you!!!!!!!"

Needless to say, this disturbed his other two teammates _really_ bad. They were even more traumatized when Choji tackled Shikamaru and pinned him against the wall the BBQ house with his massive weight. "It doesn't matter if you're a guy. My love for you is beyond potato chips. Nothing will separate our true _**LOVE**_!!!!"

Ino's eyes became two "O"s. _'What's going on?!?!?!? This is so gross!!!!!'_

'_**If it's Sasuke and Neji on the other hand…' **_Inner Ino giggled evilly. Nevertheless, it was _not_ Sasuke nor was it Neji and Ino was soon forced to fleet from the site before Choji started doing some excessively intimate things to the shadow user, who's 200 IQ seemed to have failed him.

Naruto sighed disappointedly. He was trying to get Choji to fall in love with his BBQ stick. _'Guess it doesn't work on lifeless objects huh?'_

* * *

Outside the snack bar, Naruto found his next victims.

'_Time to find you some romance in your life, Iruka-sensei. And time to pay you back for licking my blood, snake-woman.'_

_Pierce_.

Anko dropped her dango.

Anko screamed, "I see you _**LOVE**_!!!"

Anko tackled Iruka.

Anko bound Iruka with her snake summons.

Anko dragged Iruka off to her apartment.

"Have fun Iruka-sensei!!!" Naruto waved to his sobbing sensei.

* * *

Team Gai was taking a small break at the training field when Naruto came upon them.

_Pierce_.

Tenten shook her head a couple times before staring down at the kunai she was holding. Her eyes lit up like bright stars in the night sky.

Naruto scratched his head. _'I thought …'_

"Hmm…" Tenten moaned, rubbing her cheeks against t he kunai's smooth side, "Who's the sexy girl with the sexy buns?"

The world never knew the true meaning of "narcissistic" until that day.

Naruto twitched, _'She fell in love with her own reflection? THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!' _The boy tired very hard to suppress his laughter.

'_Next is fuzzy eyebrows.'_

_Pierce_.

"Gai-sensei!!!!!!!"

"Lee!!!!!!!"

"Gai-sensei!!!!!!!"

"Lee!!!!!!!"

"Gai-sensei, take me now!!!!!!!"

Gai choked on his saliva.

Tenten sung "I'm Too Sexy" in the background.

"Please," Lee begged, "My body and youthfulness is for Gai-sensei's taking!"

Gai's face became serious, "I'm sorry Lee… I never knew… how you felt… PLEASE FORGIVE ME LEE!!!!!!!" Gai sped off into the distant sunset. Exactly _why_ there was a sunset in midday remains a mystery.

"GAI-SENSE, MY _**LOVE**_!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Laughing his head off, Naruto fell down tree where he was hiding in. Clutching his stomach he peered up to stare at the icy silver eyes of a certain Hyuuga prodigy.

"Hahahaha," he laughed nervously before… "Dattebayo!!!!!!" and sped off as well.

"Naruto!!!"

* * *

Kiba had lost scent of Gaara and Akamaru at the waterfall. Ino was running away as far as possible from Shikmaru and Choji.

_Pierce. Pierce._

"_**LOVE**_!!!"

"_**LOVE**_!!!"

Snogging time.

_Pierce_.

Chaos.

_Pierce_.

Tackle.

_Pierce_.

Glom.

_Pierce_.

Sex.

Stupid cupid Naruto was having a blast.

* * *

News traveled fast in this village. Sakura was returning from Tsunade's training session when she got wind of the major event that was setting Konoha on fire, no puns indented.

'_Stupid Naruto. If somehow his stupid prank gets me involved he'll find himself in a world of pain.'_

'_**But let's get him to use this to make Sasuke fall in love with me!!!' **_Inner Sakura cheered.

Sakura laughed at herself before shaking her head. Not only was the idea ridiculous and absurd, she would gain no merits from doing it. Closing her eyes and concluding that as long as this rampage of Naruto's did not effect her… she'll live with it. This had more to do with her being exhausted after her training than with her actually cutting Naruto the slacks.

Suddenly Konohamaru and his friends ran pass her and she caught a few words they were yelling excitedly to each other.

"I heard Naruto-nii-chan got the girl with the buns to fall in love with herself!!!"

"He made the fat boy fall in love with the lazy boy!"

"Don't forget the sand boy and the dog!"

Sakura's eyes shot wide open. The damages were more serious than she thought and there seemed to be a pattern in Naruto's choosing of victims…

Oh shit.

* * *

Sasuke was walking through a deserted street of a quite neighbourhood with high walls bordering the houses when he sensed someone running towards him. The raven haired boy sighed, the chakra was too familiar to miss. It was the chakra that always lingered at his bedside during his long recovery at the hospital. Naruto wasn't kidding when he threatened to break all of Sasuke's limbs in order to drag him back to Konoha.

"What do you want?" He asked without turning around.

Sakura huffed loudly as she bend over to catch her breath before explaining in rapid fast mode of what just happened. It was amazing that the Uchiha prodigy caught any of this.

"So?" He asked impassively.

"_So_," Sakura stressed, "I really think we should hide until this whole thing is over. Naruto is mostly targeting people he knows. We're probably his number one and two most potential victims."

Turning around to face her, Sasuke was about to say something before closing his mouth and looking away again.

"Huh?"" Sakura asked tilting her head slightly.

"Never mind," he grunted before stuffing his hands into his pockets, slightly annoyed.

* * *

"Shit," Naruto swore, "Only got one arrow left."

Well, it was probably time to find Sakura. Turning around the corner, Naruto was about to summon his shadow clones when he spotted her talking to someone.

'_Lucky!'_

But because the walls were blocking his view, Naruto couldn't see who she was talking to but he didn't care about that. Taking out his last arrow, Naruto took a careful aim at Sakura.

It's a given that a love sick boy's brain never works that well, but Naruto truly gave that statement a whole new level. It never occurred to the poor boy that if the arrow _did_ hit Sakura it would have made her fall in love with _the person she was talking to. _

But the arrow didn't hit her because in the split second that Naruto released it Sakura grasped Sasuke's hand and started to pull him away.

'We have no time, Sasuke-kun! There's no telling _when_ that Naruto-baka will-"

Upon hearing a startled cry, Sakura turned around and found Sasuke holding his head and kneeling on the ground.

'Sasuke-kun…?

Naruto came rushing over. Angry veins were popping out from his forehead. "Teme!!! That was my last love arrow you-"

Sakura did not him finish. "There you are, BAKAAAAAAAA!!!" The next thing Naruto knew, his cheek was at the receiving end of Sakura's super strength and it sent him flying into the nearest brick wall.

"Sakura."

The pink haired girl froze. In slow motion she turned around to see Sasuke staring right at her. His dark eyes gazed intently at her as if reading into her very soul.

"Sakura," he said again while walking closer towards her.

She gulped. What a mess they were in and Naruto was beginning to stir from his spot in the broken wall.

'_Bad, bad, bad, very bad.'_

In a state of confusion, Sakura did the only thing she could think of, and that was to grab Sasuke's hand and run like hell.

* * *

Sakura only stopped when they got to a very remote area in the woods. It wasn't until she gained her breath did she register _why_ they were running. Well, it seemed like the right thing to do. For starters, they wouldn't have to deal with Naruto anymore. Sakura also did not want anyone to witness what's going to happen later.

'_Wait, what _is_ going to happen later?'_

The pink haired girl suddenly felt a pair of powerful arms wrapping themselves around her waist.

'_Oh, that.'_

"Sakura…"

Sakura's large eyes widened. _"Did he just __**purr**__!?!?!?!?!'_

She immediately tensed up when she felt Sasuke nuzzle his face against the crook of her neck. "Do you have any idea how much I want you?" He asked blankly.

'_**Yes!!! Sasuke-kun's mine!!!'**_ Inner Sakura cheered.

Shaking her head madly at her inner self, Sakura pried Sasuke's arms away and laughed nervously, "Hahaha… you're acting weird Sasuke-kun. A great shinobi like you couldn't possibly be affected by Naruto's stupid love arrows right?" She could feel small beads of sweat forming above her eyebrows.

"Does it matter?"

Sakura gulped and turned her head left and right, trying to find an escape route. Then she spotted a garden behind an old house in the distance.

"Hey Sasuke-kun I'll g-go check t-that out!' She cried pointing over to the garden before running away in lightening fast speed.

Huffing loudly when she got to the garden, Sakura collapsed onto a bench under the trees. She recalled what just happened and almost burst out in tears, _'What was that for!?!?!? That was probably the lamest excuse the world had ever seen!!!'_

"You're slow," Sasuke said behind her.

Sakura turned around to protest only to see the arrogant smirk on the Uchiha's handsome face. _'He was teasing me?!'_

Gracefully, Sasuke climbed over cedar wood bench and sat down beside her. Their physical closeness was intimidating as a warm summer wind breezed past them.

Colourful flowers of every kind bloomed blissfully in the garden. Some grew on nicely trimmed bushes, other on veins crawling on wooden poles, and the rest were planted on elaborate flowerbeds. Red and green ferns also grew beside them among with other plants. There was also a fountain with a statue of a chubby cupid in the middle. Sparkling water was spurring from the end of the cupid's arrow. The branches of large trees hovered above the bench where Sakura and Sasuke sat. Sunlight escaped through the gaps between leaves and danced across Sakura's beautiful pink hair.

'_She's cute when she's nervous.'_

Sakura peered around the garden before gasping in realization, "This is the garden of the house we were cleaning out a few days ago. Do you suppose this was where Naruto found those stupid arrows? I always thought the house was a bit odd. The old woman's painting gave me the creeps. I mean, she was standing naked on a clam with nothing but her hair to cover her… parts."

"Hn" was Sasuke's trademark reply… but he didn't sound all that much like himself this time. Instead, a tone of affection and gentleness lingered in his usually monotonous response… and it was clear that he didn't hear a word she was saying.

Leaning forward, Sasuke gently wrapped his arms around Sakura's frail shoulders, causing her to inhale deeply. He placed his cheek against hers and inhaled as well.

"You smell nice."

Sakura started to blush and rant madly, "You like it? It's a new brand of strawberry body cream I got just last week. Ino told me to buy it. She said it suited me. I was quite lucky actually. It was the last bottle and the store wouldn't be importing anymore until next month. But I guess waiting for a month won't be so bad either. I mean it smells so nice that it's worth it right? I'm not saying I would have _wanted_ to wai-"

"Sakura… you talk too much." Sasuke moved his head sideways so that it was now his lips pressing against her cherry red cheek. His lips then started to trail lower…

Sakura immediately sensed danger and tensed up. She turned her head away and refused to face the gorgeous Uchiha.

"What's wrong Sakura? Don't you want me?"

Crystal tears started to form. Yes, she always wanted Sasuke… always… but not like this… Not when the emotion he used to say her name came from some fucking pheromone in the shape of cupid's arrow and was delivered by stupid Naruto after he discovered it in the attic of some deceased old hag who was trying to be a porn star!

The first drop of tears rolled down her cheek. _'Yes… not like this.'_

Gently but forcefully, Sakura pushed him away before standing up from the wooden bench. Her pink bangs covered her eyes as fresh tears continue to run down her cheeks. "No Sasuke…"

Sasuke's eyes darkened, "Are you trying to tell me what to do?" His tone chilled Sakura to the bone.

"Sa-" Before she could finish, Sasuke grabbed onto her thin wrist and pulled her down towards him, making her tumble and fall into his waiting lap.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Sasuke peered down at the tiny girl that was at his mercy. "You kept trying to get my attention… telling and showing me how much you care and love me. Now that I want to return the favour you back away from me? Do you _really_ want me or are you just leading me on?"

Sakura shook her head madly, "I do love you! A lot! That's why I can't take advantage of you like this. If I do… I know Sasuke-kun will hate me forever when this effect wears off…"

Sasuke's voice softened… slightly, "What if this effect never wears off? What will you do then?"

Not bothering to give her the time to reply, Sasuke placed a hand at the back of her head and crushed her lips forcefully against his.

Sakura's mind went blank for an instant, but she soon recovered and tried to push him away again. It did not take her long to realize that he wasn't going to let her escape so easily this time around. Sakura could feel Sasuke's tongue moving against her lips, determined to find an entrance. Forcing her eyes shut, more tears threatened to spill.

Suddenly Sasuke stopped. Though his lips were still against her, his tongue backed off. He was still.

Absolutely still.

Slowly opening her eyes, Sakura wondered if the effect had finally stopped. First she felt relieved then, then, to her surprise, slightly disappointed, then relieved again… then anxious… then panicky… then **extremely** panicky.

'_What will Sasuke do now? What could __**anyone**__ do in such a bizarre situation? What will he think? Will he even remember everything that happened? Oh my god, please let him remember!!! Wait, then it'll be more embarrassing for him… but I don't want him to think that I somehow tricked him into doing this!'_

Even Inner Sakura was crying with her.

"_Sakura_…" Sasuke murmured against her lips.

Sakura shut her eyes again. Here we go, the moment of truth.

"The arrow never hit me. It hit my forehead protector and bounced off."

Emerald eyes widened as Sakura gave a small gasp. Seizing the opportunity Sasuke slid his tongue inside her. Despite being the smartest ninja of her year (minus Shikamaru) it took her quite a while to comprehend what just happened. But as soon as she did Sakura started to return the kiss eagerly, causing Sasuke to smirk triumphantly against her lips.

* * *

There was only a few people that were not emotionally scared for life by this event. One of them was Shino because no one cared about him. Hinata and Neji was also not affected (much). Thanks to their superior bloodline and the ability to hide themselves the good Hyuuga name was preserved. Kurenai and Asuma never got hit by the arrows nor did they ever need its -cough- help.

As for everyone else, the magic arrow's effects _did_ wear off in the end, but not until enough damage was dealt to cause Naruto some _very_ painful beatings. He eventually learned to never pull such a stupid stunt ever again.

Now all that's left is for everyone to wonder just why the arrow's effect on Uchiha Sasuke is lasting so long…

_The End_

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A/N: Well? How many of you saw through it? xD When did you realize that Sasuke wasn't under the love spell? Some part during the middle? The beginning? I wanna know!!! x3

There's a _tiny_ part in the story that was meant to be a parody of another anime. Do you see it? 8D

Also, the follow up of a story that probably won't happen (Unless a lot of people are interested): "BAKA Cupid's Handiwork" - A collection of one-shots describing exactly what happened to each characters during that fateful day when Naruto discovered cupid's arrows.

PLEASE REVIEW!!! (For my hard effort to be funny, cheesy and romantic at the same time!)

_Lidiya _


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